Breaking Dawn: A Parody
by lizcandoitbetter
Summary: This is Breaking Dawn from Edward's POV. I don't hate Twilight, and this is just for fun. Comment if you want to.
1. Quote

_**Life**__ is not so __bad__ if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. _

Christopher Isherwood


	2. Table Of Contents

_CONTENTS_

_ **Preface**_

_ **Engaged**_

_ **Long Night**_

_ **Big Day**_

_ **Gesture**_

_ **Isle Esme**_

_ **Distractions**_

_ **Unexpected**_

_ **Preface**_

_**Burning**_

_**New**_

_**First Hunt**_

_**Promised**_

_**Memories**_

_**Surprise**_

_**Favor**_

_**Shiny**_

_**Travel Plans**_

_**The Future**_

_**Defection**_

_**Irresistible**_

_**Talented**_

_**Company**_

_**Forgery**_

_**Declared**_

_**Deadline**_

_**Bloodlust**_

_**Contrivances**_

_**Power**_

_**The Happily Ever After**_


	3. Preface

Preface

Of all the women I could have chosen, I decided on the one with an "X" on her head. The "X" being for a bullet of some sort, that is. It seems that even immortal, she attracts mortal danger, but I love her. At least it's not _me_ that wishes to kill her this time. I still want to ravage her senseless, but she can handle that now. I hope.

There were so many things I think I could have done to prevent this—to let her have a _real_ life with a _real_ boy. There were so many steps I could have taken—should have taken. So many kisses I should have kept to myself. So many people whose lives I have endangered. I love her—shouldn't my love have been enough to let her go? But I was selfish. The idea of her living without me, in another man's arms…with a man similar to Jacob—but he isn't an issue any longer. The issue is _not_ simply that we all might die today.

The issue is that it is my fault again.


	4. 1 Engaged

1. ENGAGED

I hoped and prayed that everyone was staring at her. _They'll see the ring_, I grinned to myself. _They'll know she's mine forever_. Forever. What a perfect way to describe it. _Soon she will be mine forever_.

I frowned. Unless she fell down stairs, or got hit by lightning. There was only so much that the Guardian—a hardcore car that was equivalent to four thousand pounds of body armor, and equipped with missile-proof glass—could possibly do. I shuddered to think of what might happen with her outside of the car. In a fleeting second I had the temptation to go follow her, just to see if she was all right. Just for a peek, reminiscent of how I used to. But I shrugged it off. I had promised myself to relax more—it would be so soon, and I would have as perfect a life as Carlisle and Esme. Then she would have her new car, her new world. Our love would last so long…

I began to think about Bella, soft Bella, beautiful Bella, and her skin smooth as porcelain, her body comparable to Athena. I imagined running a hand down her cheek, kissing her softly. Simply staring at her in my mind made my mouth water. I choked back the saliva I felt flooding my mouth and tried to concentrate. I would see Bella in five hours anyway—I needed to calm down. There was no need for me to get this excited.

Sitting upright on my bed I felt the beginnings of a panic attack. If I got this excited simply _thinking_ about _kissing_ her, how would I begin to act when…but I couldn't think of this. I wouldn't crush her, I _couldn't_ crush her. This was not an option. This was not what I should do…I could never…I would never…But even in my mind's eye I understood the risks. The temptation. How would I ever be able to stop myself if I got out of control? How could she even enjoy it with me as I am—so cold and hard skinned?

Most days I was confused as to why she had even chosen me. Was I worth this love? Her affection? I got the feeling that she loved being with me—but I couldn't understand it. Me. A monster. Such a brutal beast. Such a pathetic fiend, no longer a lion but _swine_, no longer strong, but weaker than the lowest of beasts. As weak as Mike Newton. I dared call him a fool, but I knew that…I knew that in his place I would never have given up as well.

Rage ripped through me—not at the Athena-esque vision of my beautiful Bella—but at me. I was useless. I could not do anything right by Bella. I had been trying to convince myself that I was doing Bella a favor by changing her into a…vampire. I shuddered at the word. Vampire. My beautiful Bella, hunting as though an animal. To be honest, the thought was as intriguing as it was revolting.

My fingers itched on the buttons of my phone, wondering if I should call her, just to check if she was still breathing. But no, I couldn't, I should be calm. What if she thought I was obsessive? A stalker? Checking up on her? Being nosy? And besides, she was my soul mate: wouldn't I feel it if she died? Or was hurt? I winced as I thought about her actions when I left her for those long months ago, what seemed now akin to an eternity but was really so recent. Apparently I didn't. I fingered the buttons again, and then turned my head.

"Alice?" I called out in a normal voice to the silent house.

"She's fine, Edward," she called back, and in her mind I saw Bella, flushed, clambering back into the Guardian where she was safe. I sighed.

"Thanks."

"Anytime," Alice replied. I settled back into my chair and relaxed. For now, at least, she was alive. For now she was safe. I smiled and then felt a sudden urge to walk outside. I stood and leaped from my window gracefully as though an extremely tall, beautiful, pale, cold swan and started gently jogging at a speed too fast for a human's eyes. While the trees flew past me one after another, I started to allow my mind to wonder free. I had five hours until I snuck into Bella's room—seven until my bachelor party. I had nothing but time.

A poster flying free in the wind caught my eye and I raced to it and snatched it out of the air, curious, then threw it down, disgusted. It was another Jacob one. Jacob, the filthy dog, the disgusting half-breed, the despicable child who wished to put his hands on Bella—_my Bella_—and who she couldn't get enough of. And because he made her happy, I allowed them to still hang out together, and then he—the lowlife—_left her_ as though he hadn't seen what that did to her when _I_ did that to her—though of course, he is not nearly as important and did not have the same complete effect.

Bella's father, Charlie, was the only one who hadn't accepted Jacob's disappearance as a fact. He believed that Jacob's father and everyone else were under-reacting to the vastness of the situation. The rest of us simply knew that he was running wild as a mongrel dog somewhere, most likely sniffing up innocent girl's skirts, not that I cared. At least it meant that he was leaving Bella alone. That was my only relief at his vanishing act. That I finally had Bella to myself. The rest of me, of course, was wrought with the agony of Bella's pain of feeling as though it was her fault that he deserted her. I swore to myself that I'd give him a good kick and take away his kibble for the awful way he was making Bella feel.

Constantly she was calling Seth Clearwater—the only decent werewolf I had met so far—hoping for an update on his whereabouts. Hoping that he'd be coming home. Well he wasn't, but Seth was coming to the wedding. I hoped that he would be enough of werewolf to satisfy Bella, because he was enough of a werewolf for me. However, I knew that there was only one that she would ever be enough for her.

I continued on, walking this time, smiling to myself at the thought of the wedding, remembering when we had told Charlie about it…

My confidence surprised even me, as Charlie's cruiser pulled into the driveway, and I felt Bella's fingers twitch as though she were contemplating hiding her left hand, but I kept a steady hold on it to keep it out.

"Stop fidgeting, Bella. Please try to remember that you're not confessing to a murder here," I tried to reason with her.

"Easy for you to say."

I waited patiently as her father stomped up the driveway and on to the porch, and opened the door. Bella's heart was going haywire, as though she was about to be killed.

"Calm down, Bella," I whispered. The door slammed and Bella flinched as though a pimp had just slapped her.

"Hey, Charlie!" I called out, hoping to prove to her how relaxed the situation really was.

"No!" she had hissed.

"What?"

"Wait till he hangs his gun up!"

I laughed and ran a hand through my hair as Charlie turned the corner, gun still in tow, and watched as he attempted to hide a grimace when he spotted us sitting so close. I didn't bother reading his mind, but I knew he _was_ trying to be kinder about the whole situation.

"Hey, kids. What's up?" he asked.

"We'd like to talk to you," I replied. "We have some good news." Charlie's face dropped the fake pleasure and headed straight into darkness in a comical second.

"Good news?" Charlie growled, looking straight at Bella. I knew in an instant what his mind had jumped to, but couldn't respond to it until he said it out loud.

"Don't get worked up, Dad. Everything's okay," Bella said after a second of awkward silence. I winced. She still wasn't very excited at marrying me, was she? I almost felt as though I were trapping her into marriage. But if that's what it took…

"Sure it is, Bella," Charlie was saying. "If everything is so great, then why are you sweating bullets?"

"I'm not sweating," Bella retorted defensively, but it was quite obvious she was. That was the last straw for Charlie, and apparently he couldn't hold it in any longer.

"You're pregnant! You're pregnant, aren't you?" Charlie turned his angry eyes to me, and I, for a split second, was uncomfortable. _You wish_, I thought to myself. _You would only wish that I could make your daughter pregnant, but what I'm going to do is so much worse._

"No! Of course I'm not!" Bella fidgeted to restrain from nudging me. She had told me that people had been going to jump to that conclusion. That there were no sane reasons people got married at eighteen. I had laughed at her. _Love_ was the reason they got married.

Charlie seemed to calm down. "Oh. Sorry."

"Apology accepted."

The silence became awkward again. We were all looking at Bella, and finally it occurred to her that we were waiting for her to give the news. She looked at me, scared, so I smiled reassuringly. She wasn't going to do it, so I turned to Charlie myself.

"Charlie, I realize that I've gone about this out of order. Traditionally, I should have asked you first. I mean no disrespect, but since Bella has already said yes and I don't want to diminish her choice in the matter, instead of asking you for her hand, I'm asking you for your blessing," I began, and I smiled even more. I was on a roll. "We're getting married, Charlie. I love her more than anything in the world, more than my own life and— by some miracle—she loves me that way, too. Will you give us your blessing?"

By the last sentence, Charlie was no longer looking at me. He was gaping at the ring on Bella's finger. I was overjoyed looking at it myself. It _was_ rather breathtaking. I sensed his anger, as he began changing colors at a rapid pace. Bella twitched as though she might have been considering some form of resuscitation, but I listened to his mind for a split second and realized that he was calming down.

"Give him a minute," I whispered. Gradually Charlie returned to normal and began to stare at us.

"Guess I'm not that surprised," Charlie grumbled. "Knew I'd have to deal with something like this soon enough." Bella let out a long breath.

"You sure about this?" Charlie demanded, staring hard at Bella. I almost tensed; afraid she might admit to him her fears, that somehow she knew how morbidly unfair this whole thing was—me gaining a beauty, her gaining a beast. I was no better than if she married a Velociraptor, and I'm sure that on some level Charlie could sense that. But she didn't pause for a second.

"I'm one hundred percent sure about Edward."

"Getting married, though? What's the rush?" he eyed me suspiciously.

_The rush, sir, is because Bella is hormonal and horny and so am I, to be honest, and I don't screw girls before marriage, and I really don't want to kill her due to not really knowing my own strength,_ I wanted to say. _I'm sure you understand…I have to turn her into a blood drinker first so that I don't break her Athena-esque body into two pretty pieces and go into a state of bloodlust and dine on the delicate bits left over._

"We're going away to Dartmouth together in the fall, Charlie," I reminded him. "I'd like to do that, well, the right way. It's how I was raised." I shrugged. It was as much of a confession as he would be getting. Charlie looked trapped. There was no way he could argue with me, and we all knew it.

"Knew this was coming," he muttered to himself, frowning. But I heard the thought as soon as he did.

"Dad?" Bella asked anxiously, and she looked at me, but I was still curious as to how he would react.

"Har!" Charlie exploded. Bella leaped up. "Hardy, har, har!"

She looked at me, but I was amused as well and trying very hard to not show that I already understood the joke.

"Okay, fine, get married," he laughed hysterically. "But…"

"But _what_?" Bella cried.

"But _you_ have to tell your mom! I'm not saying one word to Renee. That's all yours." And as he fell into another fit of laughter, I still felt the amusement, but felt faintly serious about it. Renee was the one person who would be able to embarrass Bella out of marrying me, or at least scare her into a tiny wedding which would disappoint Alice greatly.

However, it was as though Renee was in on my plans of evil, of awfulness, of…eternity. She was perfectly okay with the idea, and of course got along wonderfully with Esme—but who doesn't?

Overall, I was excited about the wedding. And I sensed that despite all of her "aversion to attention", Bella rather enjoyed the idea as well. I also knew, though, that it was after the wedding that Bella was looking forward to. And I looked forward to it as well. I simply dreaded it more. The more I thought of it, the worse the thoughts became. Bella decapitated. Bella mangled and bloody on the floor. Bella looking as though an inexperienced nurse had just given her a rough bout of plastic surgery. But all of them with Bella, dead.

In those awful visions, I was with Bella in a hell hole.


	5. 2 Long Night

2. Long Night

"I miss you already."

Immediately I felt a sense of chivalry wash through me. Another way to prove myself to her!

"I don't need to leave," I promised. "I can stay…."

"Mmmms." I couldn't interpret the moan, but let it slide as the world became silent save for the thudding of her heart and the smooth slide of skin as it hit breath and our lips caressed each others. Her smell was barely a temptation any longer—the temptation laying solely in the protection of her so she could be mine so soon, in one more day, just one more…I ran my lips across her face, her lips, her skin, her throat. It was only the burn—but one cannot light the fire and expect not feel the heat of the burn.

I opened my eyes, staring at her beautiful face, feeling as though I had just won a marathon. I stared at her face as her own eyes opened and she stared at me in the same way. I was grateful. I cherished the fact that she had chosen me even though I _did_ have a rather unfair advantage over her. Though I was the same in one way: I couldn't read her mind. I had to take her word that she loved me and wanted me over the rest of them. I had a trust in Bella that I didn't have in others. Though I wished awfully to simply _know_ sometimes. It would be so much easier to predict the stupid things she said or did, and I would be able to stop her, keep her safe, pull her towards me, in my arms, nobody else's friend.

Bella pulled me closer again.

"Definitely staying," I murmured against her lips a few seconds later.

"No, no." Her protest seemed feeble even in my own biased ears, though this could have been the fact that I sensed I would have to break her hands to unlock them from my golden-brown tresses. "It's your bachelor party. You have to go." I began stroking her face possessively and tried to keep my voice even.

"Bachelor parties are designed for those who are sad to see the passing of their single days. I couldn't be more eager to have mind behind me. So there's really no point," I reasoned logically.

"True," replied Bella, distracted, apparently, by my manly physique as she began breathing softly on my throat.

I fought the temptation to moan, knowing Charlie lay passed out in his room down the hall. We were curled up on her ridiculously small bed—don't parents _consider_ that their teenagers might want a bigger one, eventually? Bella was mummy-wrapped in a North American afghan reminiscent of the 18th century and though she hated it, I wished I could tell her not to worry because my imagination filled in the blanks of where she was covered.

However, it was a fair trade: because she was covered up, my body was bared. She began insistently tracing my sixteen pack, in awe of its perfection. I thought of how perfect _she_ was and shuddered as the cool thrill of soon it would be mine swept through me. Quickly my mouth connected with hers again, and she her tongue began venturing towards my lips.

I immediately tensed and began to pull away. I was not used to this. It was new to me. I didn't wish to do the wrong thing, and I definitely did not wish to kill her the night before our wedding. The night before…

"Wait," Bella said desperately, leeching on to me. She managed to loosen one leg from the imitation afghan and wrapped it around me. "Practice makes perfect." I laughed at her eagerness. _All in time_, I thought.

"Well, we should be fairly close to perfection by this point, then, shouldn't we? Have you slept at all in the last month?" I smiled, trying to stay light-hearted, though I felt where this conversation was headed.

"But this is the dress rehearsal and we've only practiced certain scenes. It's no time for playing safe." She smiled as though it was a joke, but it was not funny. I supposed she'd have to laugh alone. I was immediately stiff and immobile in my heartbreak at the situation, at the pathetic thing I promised.

"Bella….," I whispered, with a long, dramatic pause for full impact.

"Don't start this again," she commanded. "A deal's a deal."

"I don't know," I replied, trying to take back the most ridiculous promise I had ever made in the heat of the moment, and realized that if I took it back she might not marry me tomorrow—imagine! _Me,_ abandoned at the altar. "It's too hard to concentrate when you're with me like this. I—I can't think straight. I won't be able to control myself. You'll get hurt." I wished I were human and that this "getting hurt" had more to do with virginity and less to do with Bella's head being torn off and thrown across the room in a blood-lustful passion.

"I'll be fine."

"Bella…" I repeated the dramatic pause, hoping she saw the effect her words had on me. Terror, not unlike the kind I had experienced earlier in the afternoon, welled inside me. She kissed me, and I felt the obligation to kiss back, but I was too bothered by this point by the image of her bleeding to death that captured my mind.

"How are your feet?" I asked since I was busy obsessing about her well being.

"Toasty warm," she replied. I decided to get more specific in case she thought I was really talking about her feet.

"Really? No second thoughts? It's not too late to change your mind."

"Are you trying to ditch me?" I laughed, though the pain of that accusation pierced my heart. I had, once.

"Just making sure," I chuckled over the dire sadness in my soul. "I don't want you to do anything you're not sure about."

"I'm sure about you. The rest I can live through." I paused, considering her dead, then considering her as a vampire.

"Can you? I don't mean the wedding—which I am positive you will survive despite your qualms," here I paused, wondering why it was that I was convincing my fiancée that she wouldn't die from the awful embarrassment of marrying me, then continued, "but afterward…what about Renee, what about Charlie?"

She sighed. "I'll miss them," she admitted.

"Angela and Ben and Jessica and Mike," I added, listing off her friends.

"I'll miss my friends, too. Especially Mike," she added, smiling, laughing about the boy obsessed with her, still. "Oh, Mike! How will I go on?" Instantly upon thinking of Mike I was drawn to an image he had dreamed of in Math class two months, six days, and fourteen hours ago. Of him and Bella. But this is not what caused me to growl. It was the thought that Bella would be so much _safer_ with an alternative such as Mike, and I was _killing her_, I, this awful being, lower than the dust she walked on. How could she seem to worship such dirt, such filth? I was mud—no, _mulch_, cow dung. I was disgusting.

She laughed, but was then serious. "Edward, we've been through this and through this. I know it will be hard, but this is what I want. I want you, and I want you forever. One lifetime is simply not enough for me."

I felt again as though I was robbing her.

"Frozen forever at eighteen."

"Every woman's dream come true." She was teasing me at such a desperately serious time.

"Never changing…never moving forward."

"What does that mean?" she asked, perhaps finally grasping that I was mourning for her.

"Do you remember when we told Charlie we were getting married?" I asked slowly, hoping not to endanger her delicate emotional system. "And he thought you were…" here I gulped "…pregnant?"

"And he thought about shooting you. Admit it—for one second, he honestly considered it."

I didn't bother answering this irrelevant fact. What would it have even done?

"What Edward?"

"I just wish…well, I wish that he'd been right," I finished quickly.

"Gah," she said, and I didn't bother attempting to retreat into my photographic memory to look up in the Encyclopedia Britannica whether or not the word "gah" had any origins. It probably didn't, which only made Bella _more_ of a genius in my eyes. She was _so ahead of the times_. I continued

"More that there was some way he _could_ have been. That we had that kind of potential. I _hate_ taking that away from you, too." She paused, perhaps fully understanding what an awful person I was. I prepared myself for the ultimate dumping.

"I know what I'm doing." I decided that I should argue with her some more in a desperate hope that she would dump me. The only way to do this was confess to yet another fault.

"How could you know that, Bella?" I decided to bring in a few examples for emphasis. "Look at my mother, look at my sister. It's not as easy a sacrifice as you imagine."

"Esme and Rosalie get by just fine. If it's a problem later, we can do what Esme did—we'll adopt," she replied, and I beat myself up mentally for not considering that she would answer like this. I decided to continue, however, not giving up until she threw me out.

"It's not _right_! I don't want you to have to make sacrifices for me. I want to give you things, not take things away from you. I don't want to steal your future. If I were human—"

She placed her entire hand over my mouth. I considered licking it. "_You_ are my future," she said prophetically, and I felt as though my entire world was shining brightly. "No moping, or I'm calling your brothers to come and get you. Maybe you _need_ a bachelor party." Immediatlely I felt a pang of sorrow and felt incredibly stupid and mentally retarded. Here, in the presence of this Athena-esque live statuette, and I had the audacity to not be incredibley joyous.

"I'm sorry. I am moping, aren't I? Must be the nerves."

"Are _your_ feet cold?" I felt another pang—leave it to my precious Bella-bunny to jump to that conclusion. I quickly tried to explain before she never spoke to me again.

"Not in that sense. I've been waiting a century to marry you, Miss Swan," I took a deep breath, prepared to give her a long soliloquy on my undying (no pun intended) love for her. "The wedding ceremony is the one thing I can't wait—"

_Eddie! We're heeeeeeeeere!_

"Oh, for the love of all that's holy!" I exclaimed as though I were in a Southern Baptist church and not with my semi-religious fiancée who believed that I was going to heaven even though I continually questioned it for attention. To be honest, I simply enjoyed hearing her tell me that I might go to heaven after being shredded and burned here on earth. Though I believed that I was going to hell, I still willingly turned her into a vampire. If I was going to hell, I was bringing a piece of heaven with me…

"What's wrong?" she asked. I gritted my teeth awkwardly. "You don't have to call my brothers. Apparently Emmett and Jasper are not going to let me bow out tonight." I was pissed. Now I couldn't prove to her my undying love one more time. She clutched me closer as though she was going to fight them for me—I was in awe of her vigilance and bravery for a few seconds—and then released me as though giving up when she remembered Emmett's size, and yet again I was in awe, this time of her brilliance at not challenging an abnormally large vampire. "Have fun," she said.

Emmett began dragging his nails across the window, hoping to scare Bella with a disturbing noise that my own perverted mind enjoyed immensely. I felt like a loser when Bella shivered, and I squeezed her tighter.

"If you don't send Edward out, we're coming in after him!" hissed Emmett, still attempting to scare Bella. I rolled my eyes. I could take him.

"Go," she laughed, "_Before_ they break my house," and I tried to find a piece of her voice that was going to miss me. I rolled my eyes again as Emmett made another word, but leaped to my feet and shoved my shirt on so fast she didn't see me struggle with the buttons for a second before giving up. I turned and gave her forehead a kiss.

"Get to sleep. You've got a big day tomorrow," I commanded her in my usual domineering fashion.

"Thanks!" she said, chipper and sarcastic. "That's sure to help me wind down."

"I'll meet you at the alter," I told her.

"I'll be the one in white."

I chuckled, not telling her how much I enjoyed the idea of this, and she smiled. "Very convincing," I replied, and then I heard Emmett. _If he doesn't get out here right now…_ I quickly sank into a crouch and launched out of her window, landing right on Emmett's chest. Emmett swore as Bella's voice wafted gently out of the window like a summer breeze.

"You'd better not make him late." Even her threat was immensely sexy. I began to sink into the depression of how much I didn't deserve her as Jasper leaped up to her window and looked into her window. It reminded me of my own pleasurable peeping-Tom days.

"Don't worry, Bella," he reassured her. "We'll get him home in plenty of time." I was jealous that not only was he the one comforting her, but calming her as well. Jasper could control emotions. I could simply get into people's minds. Bella shifted and spoke again.

"Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?" Explicit images of The Caged Club arose in Emmett's head before he could think of something else, and I was intrigued.

"Don't tell her anything!" growled Emmett and he pinned me down, covering my mouth with his hand. I laughed. I wasn't saying a word.

"Relax," Jasper told her calmly. "We Cullens have our own version. Just a few mountain lions, a couple of grizzly bears. Pretty much an ordinary night out."

"Thanks, Jasper," she said, sounding relieved. If only she knew. Jasper threw her a wink and leaped down. Emmett stood up and we ran off into the darkness silently. Even though I was faster than them, I still had to follow them, which annoyed me, because I wanted to run fast, faster, leave all of my insecurities behind.

"Get ready for the night of your life, Eddie!" shouted Emmett, whooping. I smiled, but doubted it would be better than tomorrow night. Silently I followed, until we finally reached it. The Caged Club. "Where the Wild Life Begins" read the caption below the words, and pictures of animals were painted across the dark windows. I smiled and walked inside.

It was a zoo inside, quite literally. There were women in cages, sure, but I had seen this before on daytime television. These women were dressed up from any animal from mouse to elephant—but what a beautiful elephant!—to, yes, a mountain lion and a bear. But the most insane piece was the animals roaming around on the floor—real animals, wild cats, and birds chained to their trees. The whole place literally sounded like a calming rainforest CD.

It didn't smell very great in there, so I stopped breathing promptly and just let myself be taken in by the scene because while the scent was atrocious, the ladies were beautiful. Emmett walked over to a young man near announcing different shows that would be coming to the stage—Longest Tusk Contest! Who Eats Beef Best? Heaviest Animal Dance-Off!—and whispered towards him.

"And we have yet another bachelor tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Edwin Codan is getting married tomorrow, so let's show him and his brothers a great time! Can we do that?" Immediately the women gave out their respective animal mating noises.

After hanging out with me for the grand total of two minutes (a record, really) Emmett and Jasper walked to their own respective places in the club—Emmett towards the woman with extremely long legs impersonating a stork—_ciconia ciconia_ is the scientific name, I believe, and Jasper walked towards the young lady imitating some kind of lemur. An _allocebus trichotis_, if I was correct about the resemblance.

Personally, I was drawn to a woman who was dressed as some ungodly creature—an alien. It was obvious her character was something of a joke, but I could not help myself. She was beautiful and reminded me of my own Bella, innocently resting at home. This young lady wasn't tearing at her bars or leaping around; rather she fluidly slunk about her cage and acted, well, normal. But of course, she was completely silver, and completely naked.

It was so like Bella—portraying her ethereal beauty, her nonchalant attitude and yet her alien-like personality that was so completely easy to read—that I felt a pang of sorrow, and made me regret feverishly what I had plans to do within the week. I had plans to change Bella into a monster. What wouldn't I give to have it the other way around? To turn into something for her? And yet she sacrificed for me, what a sacrificial beauty, willing to do anything for me, a bloodthirsty fiend with a hidden (and yet, now not so hidden) agenda.

I felt the beginnings of emotion which prompted me to kneel in prayer in the middle of the floor. _Dear Heavenly Father,_ I began, the tremors of remorse rushing through my body. _I am so sorry. Why must it be this way? Or at least, why must I be too weak to do a thing about what I am about to do? Was I always destined to be a monster, through all past lives, even perhaps as I sat in Heaven with you, once, long ago?_

_Was Bella always meant to do such horrors? To become a horror? Was this the end you had in mind when you created her wonderful self so few years ago?_

"Aiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiai!" I heard someone scream, and I looked up in time to see the Howler Monkey Lady leaping from rafter to rafter above our heads. I was about to shed a tear. Honestly, how could the world be so cruel? Why, she was so _normal_? I wished to be normal as well. I wished to be like one of the other men in here, so able to take one of these ladies home for the night with no fear of tearing them apart—Bella decapitated, Bella torn to shreds, Bella dead, _Bella's dead_!—but no! This was not how it was supposed to be! There should be no monsters!

_Why, Father? Why? _I plead incessantly, wishing for a brilliant shine of revelation, wishing for my prayers to be answered as in the Tales of Old. _Father, I beg of you, help me make the right decision_! I begged, but the shadows of doubt that always clouded my hopes and dreams caressed my soul. _You idiot! You complete loser! Talking to God as thought He loves you. As though you have a wink of a chance! Do you really believe that you would be able to tally up enough "good" to overrule the fact that you're a monster? By turning Bella, you're throwing away any chance you ever had!_

"No!" I moaned aloud. "Please, no!" _Yes! Bella is losing her chance as well. Are you _okay_ with that, Edward? Are you okay with that?_

"No, I'm not!" I cried. "But I am weak!—there is no other way!" _Of course not_, my inner voice sneered. _There's never another way when there's something you want. You disgust me, you ogre._

"Lord, save me from this hell! My life is a graveyard of buried hopes and dreams!"

"Um, sir?"

"Ah! I know! Call me all the names you wish! I know! I have sinned…"

"Sir, I am sorry, but—."

"You, sorry? But it is I who shall kill her, in a sense. Take away everything that she needs, that she doesn't know she wants yet! Not a child. I can't give her a _child_, but she says she doesn't care now. How long will this last? Ten days? Ten years?"

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the voice persisted, and I looked up, and found myself staring at a scantily clad older woman, though she was very attractive. I narrowed in on a small nametag on her disproportionate breast. "Candy" it read. Figured.

Suddenly a rough hand grabbed my neck.

"Gosh dang it, Edward, you're so _embarrassing_. I can't take you _anywhere_ without you breaking out into an awkwardly religious scene. Seriously, you should have become a god forsaken _preacher_ or something." Emmett was livid.

"You're incredibly dramatic," Jasper agreed, and he didn't bother trying to calm Emmett down, though clearly my immortal existence was in danger. Jasper yanked me to my feet and pulled me out the door as Emmett tried to cop a few more feels before completely exiting.

"Here's my username on ," he said, enlightening the young woman in the grizzly bear costume. "Look me up."

"Poor guy," a man near the bouncer was explaining. "He's sterile." I remained silent until we reached the outside then, rather than hearing them yell at me some more, I sprinted off into the distance, to the safety of Forks, perhaps for one more lurk in Bella's bedroom before it became legal.


	6. 3 Big Day

3. Big Day

My eyes flew open. Must. Control. My bloodlust. Or would it be regular lust? I resisted the temptation to get down on my knees and pray for repentance over the un-kosher thoughts that my mind had been creating ever since last night. God was probably sick of me. Though I was proud of myself—and justly so. I had resisted the temptation to lurk outside of Bella's house—had remained in the meadow—even though she probably dreamed calmly about my sculpted body and bronze locks.

Bronze locks. That's really what I was. Bronze. Average. Third place. Mediocre. It was the circumstances that had made me—chance, _luck_. I was nothing more, nothing less. I was in the race, but I was the face that no one remembered—no one should remember. I thought back to my pre-vampire days, fuzzy though they were, and recalled the bad case of bacne and tire around my middle. My mother whining about me wanting to join the army at the time—"Edward, you're not physically fit and you cry when the other boys bump you! You'll be _eaten alive_ out there!" How very wrong she had been. She left me as a boy, but now I am a man. But a poor excuse of a person. Compared to Bella.

You see, people like Bella? They are pure gold. High arches in the distance, rainbows, lovely, untouchable. They _live_. They see things through the right colored glasses—not rose, but something else. Violet? Orange? The entire spectrum? Who knows, but the point is that they _see it_. The way everything is _supposed_ to be _seen_. They look at the sky and don't see stars, but rather _heaven_. They are _it_. And I would kill to have _it_, whatever _it_ was.

I sniffed. It smelled like a skunk had pissed on me. I recalled, faintly, a skunk that wouldn't leave me alone last night, so I ate it. It wouldn't hurt to be completely full for Bella. Stretching out of pure habit—I saw on a television show that stretching when one gets up can make one rejuvenated for the day, not that I needed rejuvenation—I checked my watch. _Three hours until the wedding!_ I had to get home and shower!

I leapt to my feet and sprinted off in the direction of the house. I decided to take the road route, and slowed when I heard a car. The second I heard the thoughts of the inhabitants, I sped up again.

"Edward, you ass, we've been looking for you all night!" yelled Emmett out of the Jeep's window.

"Caaaalm dooown," Jasper joked.

"Quit making me calm!" replied Emmett in an eerily peaceful voice.

"Sorry, guys. I guess I had a lot to think about," I apologized. "I just wasn't thinking about _you_." Emmett's face froze, and then he grinned.

"Yeah, I bet you _did_ have a lot to think about. How did that thinking go?" He wiggled his eyebrows lasciviously. My lip curled in disgust as I tried to hide the immense pleasure that swept over my mind. I couldn't help it. I grinned.

"There's my boy!" Emmett laughed, and Jasper joined in.

"Come on," Jasper called, and I shrugged and climbed in.

"Dang!" Emmett gagged as I entered. "You smell like a skunk pissed all over you!"

"One _did_," I replied.

"What did you do?" asked Emmett, though I read his mind and he didn't sound like he was hoping for an epic story.

"I ate it." He nodded and drove on. When we arrived in the garage, I immediately began listening, but Esme came out.

"Boys? Can you help me set up tables before— Dangit, Edward, you need a bath."

"I know," I replied, and followed them out back when I heard it.

"They're back," Rosalie said and almost immediately Alice yelped.

"Keep him out of here!"

"He won't cross you today," Rosalie replied. "He values his life too much. Esme's got them finishing things up out back. Do you want help? I could do her hair." As Rosalie's eyes began to sweep from Alice's face down to Bella's I switched to attempting to read Emmett's mind. He was busy thinking about screwing Rosalie violently. I watched in horrified fascination for a few seconds before shoving the thoughts away. Rosalie. So crude and vicious and unlike my clean, pure Bella in everywhere.

I helped set up the chairs and suddenly Esme was by my side.

"Shower. Now," she demanded and I grinned and dashed into one of the downstairs bathrooms. Once inside I stripped hurriedly, taking a few seconds to strike a few manly poses in the mirror, smiling to myself. Yes, Bella would enjoy the show that was coming up soon, and the Island Esme was the perfect place to showcase it. I breathed a sigh of contentment and gagged. More modeling after the shower.

I jumped in and scrubbed at my hard, light, marble-statue-esque skin, using a whole bar of soap and washing my hair several times. I dried myself and then stared in at the water-resistant mirrors. Yes. Much better, even though I smelled like a flower. I looked at the bar of soap. Dove. I shrugged and looked under the counter, finding the open bottle of cologne. I had fallen in love with a certain honey enticing scent seventy years ago and stocked up on enough bottles of it to keep for many years to come. Though now I knew the smell well enough to make it on my own, most likely.

Suddenly I realized that I hadn't brought my tux with me in my hurry.

I peaked out of a crack in the door and listened for where everyone was. No one was _facing_ me, at least…maybe if I ran fast enough. I prepared myself and then launched out of the bathroom with only a towel around my waist. Halfway across the living room I heard a whistle.

"Ed_ward_!" Emmett cat-called, and suddenly everyone turned to look at me, right as the towel slipped. I ran faster, sure that even as vampires they wouldn't be able see anything vital, especially with my hands covering my nipples.

I ran all the way to my room and got dressed as quickly as possible. Then I stared dreamily into the mirror as the first guests arrived.

"Edward! You idiot, it's starting!" Jasper hissed into my room. I leapt to my feet and ran a hand through my hair, tousling it. I gave myself a winning smile in the mirror.

"Why, Edward my boy, you dazzle even me!" I said in a deep, charming voice, winking at my reflection.

"I'm going to pretend I never saw or heard any of that," Jasper said, looking more like a doe in headlights than ever. I detected nausea inside of him, and listened to his mind. He was contemplating receiving intense therapy. I was thoroughly embarrassed.

"Let's just go," I mumbled, pushing past him towards the hall.

"How does Bella _stand_ you?" he asked out loud. I didn't bother telling him I wondered the same thing every day, every second. I felt myself sinking back into a state of slight depression when I saw all of the people that showed up.

"Well, Edward, my boy, it's time to start dazzling!" snickered Jasper, and he walked quickly through the filled up seats to Emmett, the only thing on his agenda being to share the news of my retardation.

"This way!" squealed Esme, and I followed her to my place. My mind was spinning. I wondered if Bella had tried to run yet, and reassured myself with the thought that Alice would have caught her in seconds. The wedding march began and I stood there, in a crowd of people all standing, waiting for the most beautiful woman in the world.

Alice suddenly appeared and I breathed a sigh of relief that it was beginning. I counted to five and then—there it was! Bella's foot! The most beautiful foot in the world, inching forward, it seemed, and then—Eureka! But it was her body! And her face! Partially obscured by Charlie's body, but I could forgive Charlie for that. I made a mental sweep of the audience's minds to make sure they thought she was breathtaking as well. They did, except for a moron freshman who I hadn't even invited. He was still stuck on Alice. I made a mental note to eat him later.

Suddenly Bella's eyes met mine, and I couldn't help it. I grinned. After what seemed like an eternity, there she was, at my side. Charlie took her hand and placed it in mine. I didn't think again for the rest of the night. All I could do was stare into her eyes. I felt like I had just fought an awkward fistfight in the boys bathroom and come out on top with only receiving a partial swirl-y. I felt invincible. Bella was mine!

I looked around at all of the envious men in the crowd. Bella was such a heartbreaker, but it would not be _my_ heart! Never!

Suddenly, I realized that in my fierce bout of conquest I had been fighting the impulse to raise my hands in the traditional symbol of victory. But then, I realized that this was truly over. I could kiss the bride.

Gently I reached down and held her face as though it were made of soggy Kleenex, ready to tear. I kissed her until the first person felt as though they were watching a porno film. Then I had to tear myself away from her gnawing lips. It took two tries, but I unplugged myself and stared deep into her eyes. I was smirking. She was so dazzled it was out of control. Against my better judgment, I thought, "Well, Edward my boy. You did it."

There was an insane applause, and I turned us to look at everyone in the crowd. I waved and blew kisses as though to adoring fans. Bella's eyes bore into my rugged jaw line. I wanted to kiss her. I was sorely tempted.

Suddenly, Bella's mother gave her something that was in between a hug and a wild attack. I was tempted to warn her to be gentle. And hug after hug occurred. I thanked God that Jacob Black still hadn't returned from wherever he was.


End file.
